Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Cans of Orange Whoopass
Orange Whoopass: 1) mythical source of power and karma derived from sacred, never-say-die 1980 and 1986 Astros teams. Generally evoked when the Astros rip another team, pitcher, etc. or when a Zone-dweller is stressing the need to do so. (ex. "It's time to open up a can of orange whoopass on the &%#$ Braves.")
I have been a Houston Astros fan since 1985 or so. It was during that year that I started in a fantasy baseball league based around the Astros.
It was during that time that I learned all about baseball, the Astros, and most importantly, Heartache. During this same time period I also began visiting the Astrodome and in the dark corners of the Dome I heard the rumors of the Orange Whoopass. It was the perverts and weirdoes that whispered at the urinals about a secret vault deep in the bowels of the Astrodome. The vault is temperature controlled and top secret in the worst way. Ancient orange colored cans are kept there, stored zero degrees Kelvin; absolute zero, none more cold. I doubted the existence of this secret stash of super powered karma for far too long, but its existence was reestablished this year when the Astros faced their age-old nemesis, the Atlanta braves.
On October 10, 2005, the Astros faced the Atlanta Braves in an 18-inning game in the first round of the playoffs. I was watching the game and came away stunned when Chris Burke hit a homerun to win the game in the 18th inning after 5 hours and 50 minutes to win the series for the Astros. Soon afterward the stories started to fly.
According to my source the Astros front office sent a motorcade to the Astrodome during the 11th inning. The vault was opened and the team officials made a serious decision; do we open a can of the orange, or do we take a less serious action? The rumors have flown around Houston, but from what I can gather, at least one can of pure Orange Whoopass was warmed to somewhere near 0 F, the frost scrapped off and then transported to Minute Maid Park. Sometime during the 17th inning the frost was sprinkled on the Astros’ bats and players by Jose Cruz and the fate of the Astros was cemented.
As the National League championship series wore on and the Astros gave up a heartbreaking loss in game 5, I heard that the team had made a decision to warm and perhaps drink an entire can of Orange Whoopass. There was nothing left to lose and despite the scarcity of the Orange Whoopass (I have heard stories that less than 12 cans were brewed and stored), it was all or nothing time.
As I sit here now, celebrating the first ever Houston Astros’ visit to the World Series, I know that something happened. Whether it was the frost off of one of those legendary cans or perhaps a small swig from a cold can by each player, it doesn’t matter. The Astros have taken that last step and hopefully there are a few drinks left in that can, just in case.
I have been a Houston Astros fan since 1985 or so. It was during that year that I started in a fantasy baseball league based around the Astros.
It was during that time that I learned all about baseball, the Astros, and most importantly, Heartache. During this same time period I also began visiting the Astrodome and in the dark corners of the Dome I heard the rumors of the Orange Whoopass. It was the perverts and weirdoes that whispered at the urinals about a secret vault deep in the bowels of the Astrodome. The vault is temperature controlled and top secret in the worst way. Ancient orange colored cans are kept there, stored zero degrees Kelvin; absolute zero, none more cold. I doubted the existence of this secret stash of super powered karma for far too long, but its existence was reestablished this year when the Astros faced their age-old nemesis, the Atlanta braves.
On October 10, 2005, the Astros faced the Atlanta Braves in an 18-inning game in the first round of the playoffs. I was watching the game and came away stunned when Chris Burke hit a homerun to win the game in the 18th inning after 5 hours and 50 minutes to win the series for the Astros. Soon afterward the stories started to fly.
According to my source the Astros front office sent a motorcade to the Astrodome during the 11th inning. The vault was opened and the team officials made a serious decision; do we open a can of the orange, or do we take a less serious action? The rumors have flown around Houston, but from what I can gather, at least one can of pure Orange Whoopass was warmed to somewhere near 0 F, the frost scrapped off and then transported to Minute Maid Park. Sometime during the 17th inning the frost was sprinkled on the Astros’ bats and players by Jose Cruz and the fate of the Astros was cemented.
As the National League championship series wore on and the Astros gave up a heartbreaking loss in game 5, I heard that the team had made a decision to warm and perhaps drink an entire can of Orange Whoopass. There was nothing left to lose and despite the scarcity of the Orange Whoopass (I have heard stories that less than 12 cans were brewed and stored), it was all or nothing time.
As I sit here now, celebrating the first ever Houston Astros’ visit to the World Series, I know that something happened. Whether it was the frost off of one of those legendary cans or perhaps a small swig from a cold can by each player, it doesn’t matter. The Astros have taken that last step and hopefully there are a few drinks left in that can, just in case.
